Emptybottle.org: April 2002 Archives

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April 30, 2002

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel

Still...(edit : umm, imagine a rising inflection here which would indicate my susceptability to the patriotism virus, even though yadda yadda....)

Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves -- and are unheard by anyone else -- that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth -- in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular non-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace -- a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

Finally, some recognition!

Thanks again to the endlessly entertaining instant-referrers doodad on the right, I see that someone has recently gotten here with the search string crazy+mad+f--kers+at+the+edge+of+voltaire's+reason, and that in fact I am the sole hit for this particular search string in the whole wide world. As always, I am hugely amused by this sort of thing. I hope you found what you were looking for, friend. Welcome, and thank you.

April 29, 2002

Sorak San

soraksan.jpgAlthough in my experience, Koreans often seem to be skilled beyond measure at cheapening and vulgarizing just about anything to which they lay their hands, owing perhaps to the mercantilism-at-any-cost modernization of recent decades, Sorak San National Park, and the countryside around it, were a pleasant revelation to me.

An astonishingly beautiful place, organized and modern. The air is clean, the water's clean, and I was surprised and bemused to observe that, as far as I could tell, at least, the soraksan2.gifKoreans seem to be better stewards of their forest resources than my fellow Canadians. I saw nothing that could compare with the vast, brutal areas of clearcut in British Columbia. In a tiny little country, with 49 million people crammed into it, there's more of what appears to be virgin forest in the 275 kilometres or so between there and the smoke-shrouded urban hell that is here than I had ever expected.

We spent some time at Naksan Sa, one of the Buddhist temples in the region. The temple buildings and gardens perch amid fragrant pines on a bluff beside the sea. It is a testament to the upheavals of Korean history that it has been rebuilt no less than eight times in the fourteen centuries since it was first constructed. naksanhermitage.jpg The entire coast in the region is lined with a three-metre fence, topped with razor-wire, a legacy of the latest upheaval 50 years ago. Sokcho and Sorak National park are disconcertingly close to the North Korean border. Soldiers patrol the beaches, along the inside of the fence. North Korean spies are kept out, but the people who live along the coast are kept in. It was surreal to see a gun emplacement, draped with camouflage netting, hidden in the rocks beneath the hermitage at the temple.



Sorak San itself ('san' means 'mountain', and derives from the Chinese character san-mountain.gif) is as beautiful as any place I've ever seen, although even in the shoulder season, it's mobbed by huge crowds. The day we spent there, bushwalking and generally wandering about, there were literally thousands of high school and middle school students, in enormous groups, repeatedly shouting "hello!" at me, which is always something I enjoy immensely, in much the same sense that I enjoy having my nipples sandpapered.

But it takes more than boisterous schoolkids to ruin my ki-buen. We spent the days in the mountains, and the evenings at the hot springs/waterpark/public bath near our condo, which was incredibly clean, modern, well-designed and well-built. A testament to what Korea could be like with a little more attention to detail, a little more pride in workmanship, a little less focus on the short term. A preview of what Korea will hopefully be, in a decade or two.

Our brief holiday was an unqualified success, and I look forward to going back and spending some more time there when this semester finishes.

Digital Cameras

I am wanting very much to purchase a digital camera so that I may share with you all some groovy images of the ROK, and I have almost convinced She Who Must Be Obeyed that such a purchase would be a good thing. Being the underpaid academic (read : 'lazy bastard') that I am, though, I am of necessity on a rather tight budget. Anyone out there in blogspace have any recommendations or warnings that I should keep in mind in purchasing a (relatively) low-end camera? The Fuji FinePix 2600z looks pretty good, at the moment...

Ranterrific!

"We are so close. We are on the verge of something very dangerous and irreversible. You can hear Dick Cheney breathing hard, just aching to press The Button. The human animal is capable of staggering atrocities and deadly choices and the thick-necked frat boys in charge right now are the most darkly capable we've suffered in decades.

No one is preaching peace. No one striving for genuine camaraderie or balance or compromise. And too few of us seem willing to believe that 9/11 has mutated into a brutish hollow excuse for the Bush administration to perpetuate a war for oil and to proclaim new enemies and to chip away at the Constitution and your civil liberties in the name of increased federal control and fewer dissenting voices."

- Mark Morford, SFGate.

"Son, he said..."

"Son," he said without preamble, "never trust a man who doesn't drink because he's probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They're the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They're usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they're a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can't trust a man who's afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how how to survive himself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl."

Then he paused for a long minute and added, "And, son, never trust a drunk except when he's on his knees."

- James Crumley, The Wrong Case.

[via MeFi]

April 28, 2002

Obfuscation

You know what pisses me off right at this particular moment? Using words to confuse the point, to play the goddamn shell game, to obfuscate rather than clarify.

There are a few around the neighbourhood who weave sky-piercing towers of words, intricately knitted and syntactically exciting, that leave me cold. I'm impressed by the erudition, by the verbal pyrotechics (and I used to blow sh-t up for a living, briefly, so I oughta know), but I learn nothing after reading what is said except how clever-clever the author of those words is.

If you can't make a window onto something for yourself or for someone else by what you write you're masturbating. My advice is that you do it in private, Big Shooter. Play with the language, sure, but keep your hands above the table.

So saith the wonderchicken.

(Edit : And if anyone should think this pronouncement has anything to do with the latest sh-tfight in MeTa, in the interests of practicing what I preach, I say clearly : it doesn't.)

Home is where the smog is.

We're home. Korea's a pretty goddamn nice place, after all.

It's got to be the fifth circle of hell for those who appreciate the fine art and science of architecture, though. If I see one more mock-St. Peter's onion dome or one more Castle-Auuuuuughh-esque turret on one more purple-painted f--k-hotel, I'm going to run screaming just over there near the couch, then run screaming back.

Not that you folks would actual hear my screams of aesthetic dismay, but I'd tell you about them later.

That's what the web's all about, right?


(Note to self : explain the f--k-hotel reference, and the fact that we did not in fact stay in any of those over the last couple of nights...)

April 25, 2002

Going Through The Motions

Ok, I really mean it this time, this is it before I go to bed and disappear for a few days : I'd just like to say that if any of the folks who come here daily to read the latest wonderchicken droppings have felt that I've just been going through the motions of late, well, heck, shucks, and golly, you'd be semi-right. I haven't been trying as much as I ought to have, I admit this freely and I promise (although, of course, you should realize that my promises are Not Worth The Pixels They're Written With, when it comes to things like this) to try a little harder to actually write well rather than just barf out whatever comes into my head, unedited, in the future.

On the other hand, if you guys enjoy the brainbarfage, then hell, I'll keep that up! I'm nothin' if not flexible.

Next week I start the all-pr0n format...

Yeah, We're Post- Enron Modern

OK, one more before the Holy Veil Of Beer takes me off to giggle at the SA Forums - go, look, see, and come back here later. Fishrush is good! Hooopla!

Off

I'll be gone the next couple of days - to the mountains we go to try and recharge our batteries a bit. First time in literally years that my ladylove and I have actually gotten away for a few days to just relax and breath some clean air. I encourage all wonderchicken afficionados and fellow-worshippers at the Altar of The Empty Bottle to comment your hearts out on the crap I've posted lately, or not-so-lately even, as the new recent-comments gadget over on the right there will act as an All Seeing Eye for me.

Peace, love, and vegetable rights, my friends.

Like Cattle

In the Chosun Ilbo newspaper this morning : around a hundred North Korean refugees were rounded up by North Korean agents in China recently. "Rounded up" is the appropriate phrase to use, as not only were these people, amongst whom were children and grandparents, bound hand and foot with wire, but holes were punched through their septums and rings inserted, like cattle, to lead them back to the f--king fatherland.

Is this front page propaganda, or did it really happen?

Who knows any more? Recent experiments by the scum in power in America have shown pretty conclusively that propaganda doesn't need to be subtle to be effective, just emotive. And the image of these poor, hungry people, strung together via iron rings passed through their noses, blood dripping down their upper lips as they are led back to the living hell that is North Korea, is certainly emotive.

But this comes a week before more visits between separated families are scheduled to happen, and not long after the South Korean envoy returned from an extended and fruitful visit to the North, so it seems unlikely that the report is sheer propagandizing, perhaps.

My vote is that it did happen, and the Chinese allowed it to happen. Aren't people great? Don't you just love them? Sweetness and light, beauty and peace, follow us all the days of our lives, don't they?

Like f--k they do.

Wired, wired.

I notice [via the impeccable Acts of Volition] that Wired has started putting the entire content of the print edition up on the web. This is happy news for me, as I can't buy the print edition here in Korea, and even though it cost me more than a 12-pack of Hahn Premium to buy when I lived in Australia, I nonetheless did so regularly, and have been missing it. Not sure if the content divorced from the slippery-paged, sensuous tangibleness of it will make me as happy, as I won't be able to read it in bed when I have a hangover, but it's nice to know that it's at least there. A dry hump is better than no hump at all, nicht wahr?

Jem!

Through the last few years of my university career, I spent the bulk of my time with a group of (for the most part) hard-drinking, (for the most part) punk-rock proto-grrrls, who took the bumptious clay that was this boozy small-town-boy-gone-bad and molded him into Professor Bosco T. Matrix, the Liver That Walked Like a Man. Much fun was had by all, and the usual sex, drugs, rock and roll, wacky hijinx and adventures ensued, as these things do.

One of the appealingly quirky things about this gaggle of gals was their enjoyment of a truly goofy 80's cartoon called Jem. I was forced to sit through many episodes of this, sometimes even while sober, and it was a minor bane of my existence. I hadn't actually thought about it in perhaps a decade, until Lia mentioned it recently, and in the process led me to Fush (who is a Very Amusing Young Man).

Downside to all this pleasant linky-dinky and reminiscence? I now have the Jem theme running through my mind, and I swear, someone is going to pay.

"Jem! is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous..."

[This is bad][This might be offensive]

The 'Jackhammer Jesus' dildo. Part of the line of quality products that also includes the 'Buddha's Delight', just to be equal-opportunity offensive, I guess.

I would be interested to talk to someone who would actually want to use one of these puppies. I'm a curious fella, though. Some might say too curious. Some others might say some other things, unpleasant things, things that are just plain mean, but when I stick my fingers in my ears and repeat "I can't hear you!", I find I am able to thwart their vicious attacks.

This is a Valuable Strategy, and I encourage you to use it in your very own Personal Life. Checks or money orders to the usual place.

April 24, 2002

I had lunch here yesterday.

How weird is this new linked-up world we live in? (Answer : uh, pretty a lot, Mr Chicken!) This place is a nondescript little second-floor barbecued pork restaurant in Sanbon, way out in the 'burbs of Seoul, the place I mentioned a couple of posts ago when I said we were having lunch and yadda yadda.

I just this minute remembered the URL on the window and how funny I thought 'iporky.com' was...

Adultery

So we're having lunch, and one of my Canadian co-workers, who has a tendency to talk more than his fair share of sh-t, is yammering on about how half of the women in Korean prisons are there for adultery. I'm about to call 'bullsh-t' when one of our Korean colleagues chimes in and verifies what he's saying. The laws still regard adultery as a jailable offence, but the only people being prosecuted, for most part, are women.

Apparently it's commonplace, when a wife in this country is discovered to be cuckolding a husband, for said husband to press charges, and for the wife to be prosecuted and sent to jail. This in a place where there is an omnipresent, enormous, but largely invisible sex industry, and where men are almost expected to take a mistress when they reach that magic socio-economic stratum where simple whores are no longer de riguer. Or at least not in front of the guys.

I just start getting a handle on this place, and then something comes along to make me realize how deeply I don't get it.

Epitonic

Whoah, dude. Cool.

How come I never found epitonic before? Pretty damn snazzy.

The Original Goatse

Pan copulating with a goat - Herculaneum, 1st century B.C.

Why have I decided to show you this picture?


pan.jpg

Not sure, really. But it is quite jarring, in a potentially useful way, perhaps, innit? Unexpected, intense images like this always get my brain ticking over, at least.

[Edit : Comments are closed. Thanks for playing, googlenauts.]

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch

Almost 70 per cent of Canadians believe their federal and provincial political systems are corrupt, suggests a recent opinion poll.

Sixty-nine per cent of the 1,500 respondents in the Leger Marketing survey said the federal system was highly or somewhat corrupt, compared with 26 per cent who thought it was not very corrupt or not at all corrupt.

{snip}

''The Canadian public have become over the last 20 years or so, so bovine. They just see this and shrug. They expect it. They expect to be screwed,'' said Morrison, who left Parliament because he felt he was wasting his time, and because he didn't like the fact some people assumed he was corrupt simply because he was in politics.

''Even politicians who are straight and believe in representing their constituents, they give up after awhile. Because nobody seems to care,'' Morrison said.

This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder what the hell the bastards who 'run' the country are doing to my homeland. I haven't been back there in more than 4 years now, and although I do sometimes entertain fantasies of going back permanently and hiding in a nice little cabin near a stream, nestled amongst fragrant pines, it's probably not going to happen anytime soon, if at all, unless you folks buy a lot of Cafe Press crap.

But that doesn't stop me feeling a wave of despair when I hear the latest statistic, or the newest piece of bad news about how Canada is coming more with each passing year to resemble the Cesspool to the South. I pray that it's not true, but I suspect that it's too late.

April 23, 2002

Mulholland Drive

Blue Velvet - huffer.jpg I just watched Mulholland Drive, and David Lynch has once again pleasantly nobbled my brain. Recently re-read David Foster Wallace's piece on Lynch from his anthology "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again", which got me all het up about Lynch again. Eraserhead and Blue Velvet were big faves of that ol' gang of mine, back in my university days, but I still haven't seen Twin Peaks or Lost Highway.

Just wanted to mention that this thread at Metafilter is of great assistance if you're trying to puzzle out exactly what the hell was going on in the movie...

Succinct

Once a math geek, always a math geek. I love this.

April 22, 2002

Real or Parody?

You decide.

The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called... Darwin! That's right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don't advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an "Open Source" license, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, "lickable" buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism.

The look on the face of the 'baby Jesus' here is truly classic.

Also : 'Man and dinosaur lived together peacefully around 2000 BC.'

Update : Ah crap. This link is #1 in the Daypoop Top Forty today. I am now officially Not Worth Reading.

Balloon Hats For Joy

"In 1996, Addi Somekh and Charlie Eckert began traveling to different places in the world to make balloon hats for people and take photos of them. The goal was to show people all over the world laughing and having fun, and to emphasize the fact that all human beings are born with the ability to experience joy. In total, they visited 34 countries and have over 10,000 pictures."

Yes! Dammit, yes! I love these guys.

[via Everlasting Blort]

Those Wacky Kids

Learn something every day : the number 420 is freighted with significance for dope smokers.

I've always been aware of pervasive networks of signals and signs, not conspiracies or the illuminati or anything of the kind, mind you, just a background hum of information being passed between people who know how to decode that information, on the streets and in the bars, everywhere. Communication indecipherable, silent, to those who don't know of its existence. These things have always fascinated me, I think because I've always enjoyed experimenting with personas, talking to people from other tribes and taking on protective colouring that exploits those secret signs and passwords. When someone thinks you share at least some elements of the secret language of their tribe, they open up to you in a way they cannot do when you're the outsider. It's a way to learn more about people, and something I've always instinctively done.

This 420 stuff is an example of that context-hijacking dialogue that goes on constantly under the noses of the uninitiated. Fascinating stuff.

April 21, 2002

Capitalism Gone Mad!

I'm mercifully free of hangovers lately, as I'm on some Chinese herbal medicine, and I'm not supposed to drink while taking it. This is good, for a change of pace, and I find my brain is ticking over quite nicely.

Spent a couple hours today designing a few logos and putting up a Cafe Press shop. Why the hell not, eh? I noticed Oliver's recent post about having one, and figured I might as well give it a blast.

The three logos are here, here, and here (large images, popups). The shop is here. I make a buck from each item sold. Support the wonderchicken! Buy neat stuff!

Or not, I don't really mind too much...

Ad Absurdum

This latest semi-coherent rambling comes in response to the comments at BurningBird's place here, and some comments made by AKMA here. I apologize if it is facile - I just wanted to get some partly-formed ideas off my chest.

In the comments at 'Bird's place, Mike Golby mentions something about Mike Sanders redubbing 'warbloggers' 'lifebloggers'. I couldn't find any reference to this phrase at Mike Sanders' blog, so I won't pursue the dissonance of that equivalence (*ting* the tiny echoes of the phrase 'moral equivalence' might now be playing about your mental shell-likes) any further. It may have just been a brainfart on Mike Golby's part. (But if a warblogger is somehow a 'lifeblogger', then mark me down as a deathblogger. Tangentially, does anyone else notice the slow shift of the meaning of the neologism 'warblogger' to mean a blogger who supports and cheerleads military killing, by someone or anyone, rather than just someone whose main topic of blogging is things to do with the current American War on Terra? Or maybe that's just me...)

I don't say 'deathblogger' simply to be contrarian, though such is my tendency. I regard death as less of a Nemesis than many, for reasons stemming from experiences in my young life rather than religious faith, and I do think that some large component of the irrational, deeply-felt response people have to things like the current sh-tstorm over in the eastern mediterranean comes directly from a horror and fear of Death. Isn't that odd?

Apologies to AKMA may be in order, but : if these people, in the middle east and Ireland and elsewhere, who are killing one another as much because of their religious beliefs as mundane matters of territory and bloody revenge, if they are indeed so devout...well, it strikes me then that their respective religions teach them that their bloodthirsty righteousness will be rewarded in an afterlife of some kind, no?

AKMA says :

..those who adhere to the Way of Jesus have been not just advised, but commanded not to kill--not even to contemplate killing (nor even losing one's temper at another); those who adhere to the Torah have the prophets' word that the Eternal summons us to lives of justice and peace, where nation no longer lifts up sword against nation.

This may indeed be the case, but it seems to me in practice that the 'thou shalt not kill' edict has often been, and still is relaxed, by the man (and woman) on the street, is it not, when it comes to killing in the name of God? Leaders both religious and secular invoke the name of whichever almighty they imagine to be their benefactor, to strike down the enemy, to lend strength to their killers out on the bloody plain. The people who listen to these leaders take up their guns and cudgels secure in the knowledge that smashing the skulls of their enemies or putting bullets through their hearts are actions mandated and approved by their deity and his representatives on Earth. We're talking about the reality of belief here, not the ideal. I assume this is somehow mystically reconciled in their minds with the 'God is Love' mantra of more peaceful times - call it Tough Love, I guess.

I say this not to ridicule Christian belief. I find the metaphors embedded in the faith, as in others, to be rich and rewarding. Though countless lives have been lost in the name of God and Christ, Mohammed and Allah, countless deeds of mercy and kindness have been performed, as well.

But back to the Fear of Death. I've always thought it odd, and it's always been one of the things that I couldn't really get my head around, when it came to Christianity : it seems hard for a devout Christian to justify anything other than feelings of joy when a presumably heaven-bound relative makes the Big Swan Dive into the abyss. There's self-pity, of course, or fear for a more lonely, or poorer, future here amongst the living. These grief-triggers I understand. But I have a little difficulty understanding grief unleavened with what should be happiness for the deceased, for the spirit drawn unto the bosom of the Lord, among the devout.

The ritual wailing and moaning, the tearing out of hair, the sackcloth and ashes that some cultures indulge in as a ritual response to death : these, I understand, too, as catharsis, as closure. Ritual response to events of great magnitude in our lives help us to cope with those events without thinking too much about them, and help to incorporate those events in the fabric of our community.

I catch a scent of the ritual response to death in the response to the killing in the Middle East at the moment.

There is, as always, division into camps amongst the not-very-clever : Side A is right! No, you bastard, Side B is right! Amongst others, there is a weary acceptance that both warring sides are right, and amongst a subgroup of those, an awareness that both sides are also equally wrong. But even within this camp, there are those who call for warfare and those who call for 'peace'. There are also a large number who, through laziness or bodhisattva-like equanimity, through utter misanthropy or through dirt-stick-stone stupidity, via 'good' or 'evil' intention, modulate their outrage, or accept what is as inevitable and thus good.

There are some who believe that the raging, naked ape in us will keep the tribes at each other's throats for a good long time, if not until the last of our species stands over the lifeless body of the unlucky penultimate one, triumphant. There are some who would welcome 'peace', who would work for it each day of their lives, who are also certain that it is a chimera.

There are those who see the arguments among the observers as fractal, self-similar meta-examples of the bloodletting amongst the combatants, and grow more pessimistic about there ever being an end to warfare.

The question is this, perhaps : whether a life spent working for this idea of 'peace', always aware that such a goal may never be reached, in one's own lifetime or beyond, is a life well-spent.

Funny?

I remembered this Emo Phillips joke the other day, which was the only thing that he's ever done that amused me, and it fit in fairly well with my thoughts today, so I made a little Flash thing here. It sucks a bit, but I hope you find it amusing.

Keystroke Art

This is pretty gigantically cool. Takes your keystrokes, turns 'em into abstract art. Not quite sure how, but I'm sure if you root around, you can probably find out.
[via jed]

Hold me.

I'm not sure if friend Kafkaesque is trying to tell me something by linking to this, but I'm feeling a little nervous, I must say.

Says he :

Chickens! Look upon these machines, chickens, and fear!

If I should go missing, you know what to do...

Edit : I see your chickenmachines, Kaf, and raise you what would appear to be a device for cutting out the assholes of dead pigs. Pleasant, huh?

April 20, 2002

Important Things, Well Said

A Burning Bird


Although she may not be feeling very well, our favourite incendiary avian has been saying some very important things lately, and saying them very well. If you haven't dropped by recently to see what she has to say, I recommend you hie yourself hence. Your time will be richly rewarded.

Saigon. sh1t, still in Saigon.

stormlo.jpg

Instant classic. Found at the 'pile.

Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!

Some more proof that Korea is changing. This would have been unthinkable a few years ago. Of course, I suspect that I wouldn't have seen the ad for it on the subway this afternoon if more people actually knew what 'vagina' means in english.

I also quite like the fact that the first heading on the site's top navigation bar is 'Vagina', with sub-entries 'intro', 'synopsis' and 'original'. Sophomoric, I know, but hey, anything for a giggle.

[It will be amusing in a slightly depressing way to see the Googlehits I get after posting the words 'vagina' and 'Korea' in such close proximity.]

April 19, 2002

The New 7 Wonders

For someone who's inordinately proud of his 'random footsore dogsh-t wanderings' around the planet, I find it a little distressing in light of my advancing years and growing domesticity that of the 25 candidates here (almost 6 million people have voted on the choices, apparently) for the new 7 wonders of the world, I've only visited 8 so far:

  • THE ROMAN COLOSSEUM
  • THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA
  • THE EIFFEL TOWER
  • THE VERSAILLES PALACE AND PARK
  • THE PYRAMIDS AT CHICHÉN ITZÁ
  • SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE
  • THE CHURCH OF LA FAMILIA SAGRADA
  • THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

    Perhaps there is time enough yet for the rest before they lay me down. I can hope.

  • Enron explained : Now this, I like.

    Cunningly crafted to appeal to the refined, erudite Wonderchicken sensibilities : monkeys, poop, humping, and random violence, all at the service of sticking it to the corporates. Heavy with goodness.

    ...What, in layman's terms, actually happened at Enron? Perhaps the best way to explain to the average reader (one without an economics degree) is to use a metaphor. Say there is a troop of monkeys and their day consists of seeking out bananas. The head monkey orders all the other monkeys to collect their bananas in a pile, which will be eaten at the end of the day and not a moment before.

    Only not many bananas are found.

    One of the monkeys starts screeching, voids his bowels and flings his excrement at another monkey. Soon all the monkeys are flinging monkeysh-t at each other and smearing it all over themselves. This arouses one monkey, who begins masturbating frantically. Other monkeys start mounting each other and a sh-t-stained orgy ensues. Monkeys hump violently, crushing those on the bottom of the pile. The head monkey grabs a stick and flails around at random, whacking his compatriots. He bares his teeth and screams a defiant message.

    "REEEEEEEP! RREEEP! REEEP! REEEEP! Ooh ooh ooh. REEEEEAAAAAAAP!!!! REEEEEEEEEAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEP!!!!"

    While this analogy is perhaps simplistic, it contains the essence of the problem posed by Enron.

    Rumproast.

    April 18, 2002

    Thunderdome in God's Country

    What b!x said. Or Dan.

    April 17, 2002

    Being John Googlovich

    A huge number of Googly-searches showing up here lately have been for bottle+f--k, which I assume is a niche-porno thang. It's all good, if nasty and pathetic.

    What amused me when I clicked one of the referrers for the 'bottle f--k' search in the recent-referrer gadget over on the right there, was that as of the latest GoogleBot index of the EmptyBottle, not only was I hit #4 for 'bottle f--k' but the quoted text was 'footsore random dogsh-t wandering' which I don't even remember writing, but is Pure WonderChicken Poetry in my mind. Sums up the last decade and a half of my life, by criminy-cheesetoast!

    And really, since I (when I'm in my right mind) write most of this sh-t for myself for the most part, the fact that that amuses me a whole bunch is all that counts, ain't it?

    God Part 2

    I am a god of vengeance, dude.
    buddyjesus.jpg

    And I won't grind my teeth or anything?

    Not that this won't be everywhere soon, or isn't already for all I f--king know, as I really don't do terribly well at the mental-smooth-muscle-flexing, but I WANT SOME†.

    † This should not be taken to indicate that I have any tendency or desire to, or history of or plans to, experiment with medications, legal or otherwise. I deny something similar to that, categorically. [Mr. Kissinger? Steve Felton, Sesame Street Gazette. If you could be any animal...] I deny engineering the bombings of small east Asian countries. I deny that, categorically.

    What the hell was I talking about?

    Separated At Birth?

    A very philosophical flag it is, too.

    South Korea's Flag

    All your sh-tty poison food are belong to us.

    Not South Korea's Flag

    April 16, 2002

    A few numbers

    US defense budget (fiscal 2003) : US$379.3 billion

    Amount to be withheld from UN Population Fund : US$34 million

    Ratio : 11,155/1

    Potential consequences, according to UNFPA officials, of The Resident's decision to withhold last year’s UNFPA funds and to zero out the agency in fiscal 2003 : 2 million unwanted pregnancies, 800,000 induced abortions, 4,700 maternal deaths, 77,000 infant and child deaths.

    Happy fun! Good times, beautiful people! Keep on rockin' in the Free World!

    Not For Dinner

    Stinky, but delicious. A quarter-page ad on page 3 of today's Korea Herald. Because it's too hard to read in my scan, I note that the return address for the coupon is in Kent, England.

    It's time once again to pull out my by-now-standard response :

    "How about a nice steaming cup of shut the f--k up?"

    Ah, that felt good.

    Kill

    KILL

    KILL!

    KILL!

    You f--king primates. Kill each other until you're all dead, grind each other's bones to make your bread. Swing the infants by their heels and shatter their tiny skulls on the doorjambs of your hovels. Kill! Hate! Let it never end! Swear blood feuds, and carry on the senseless slaughter of your fathers' fathers, and their thick-fingered simian fathers, too. Bathe in the blood of your enemies, before they have a chance to caper like children in arterial gouts of yours. Cleanse the world of your hated foes, yes, that's it, ethnically cleanse. If there are any women left alive, don't forget to rape them, and rape them hard. Slitting their throats after you've spilled your filthy warrior seed is optional, but recommended. Kill! Lay waste! Wreak havoc! Defend the honour of your people, sink your hands deep into the warm entrails of those you would destroy as they cough out their last curse! Kill!

    Just hurry it up, already. I'm waiting to dance on your unmarked graves, you cheeseheads.

    April 15, 2002

    The Siren Call of Crap

    You ever get that feeling when it's like your brain is wrapped in wet towels? Dirty, warm, wet towels? Where you start a sentence, then trail off after a word or two because the expenditure of effort you predict will be necessary to actually complete it is way beyond what seems possible? Where ideas and plans, schemes and dreams, file in serried ranks through your mind, but it's like watching a New Year's Day parade while dozing on the sofa with a debilitating hangover and a sweaty scalp - the grandeur of it all is reduced to fuzzy snapshots, and you can't seem to do much more than watch as they move slowly out of reach. You ever feel like what you have done isn't all that sh-t hot, and what you've got planned will never come to fruition? Ever wish that some relatives would die, and leave you some goddamn money, so you could get off the treadmill, and then feel guilty about it? Have you ever gone a few days without bathing, 'cause sometimes you like the stank? Ever wish that you could actually focus your intellect on something worthwhile, but get pulled inevitably, irresistably, by the siren call of crap, and waste yet another day?

    Ever piss and moan and whine in public, rather than get off your ass and actually do something?

    Uhh, yeah. I have.

    April 14, 2002

    The Big Lebowski Random Quote Generator

    lebowski.jpgNihilist 1: Vee vant zat money, Lebowski.
    Nihilist 2: You think veer kidding und making mit de funny stuff?

    I was somewhere wandering around penniless when The Big Lebowski came out, so I didn't have a chance to see it. Over the next six months or so, about half a dozen old friends felt compelled, independently, to say : "Hey, Bosco! The Coen Brothers made a movie about you! You see it yet?"

    Which I can see, now, to a degree, as I have been known at times to exude a long-haired, unkempt, pleasantly befuddled, dissipated-Jeff-Bridges aura. I do enjoy a cocktail or two from time to time. And Wacky Adventures™ are, after all, my stock in trade.

    But have to come clean - I don't smoke dope, I loathe bowling, and I've never had a 'caucasian'.

    [Muchas, like, gracias, Speedysnail]

    Moveable Type Rocks

    I've got to say, the more I play with this thing, the more I like it. It's powerful, flexible, and easy as pie for a semi-geek like myself to customize.

    I draw your attention to two new features over on the sidebar to the right : a list of the five most recently-commented upon entries, and a list of all the blog categories, with a post-count beside each. I played a bit fast and loose with the categories when I imported from Blogger, but they're relatively accurate, for the most part. Please feel free to waste hours of your precious time perusing the archives - there's some stinky crap in there, but there's some Good Eatin' too, if I do say so myself.

    April 13, 2002

    We're On The Road And We're Gunning For The Buddha

    I read Mike's latest : well, OK, inebriated as I am at the moment, I skimmed Mike's latest, and I f--king give up.

    I know it's not a competition, but I Live To Win (though I'll deny that if you quote me), and to be honest, there's simply no way I'm going to be able to kick Mike's ass, bloggishly speaking. Through sheer quality, and undeniable volume, he's winning the Blog Primaries.

    This is a major setback for me, wonderchicken fans, and I recommend that if you have any love for me, if you've ever had any love for me or plan to have some love for me in the future, even if only a little guilty tingle down there under the kitchen table, if you have any desire whatsoever to see the Solid Family Values of The WonderChicken prevail, I ask to you to consider the removal, yea, the bloggy occupation of the territory of this South African bodhisattva - I implore you, I beg you, I COMMAND YOU, click your tight little inter-buns over to Mike's blog and abuse him mercilessly! Talk some sh-t! Quote bad poetry! Make references to Things Semitic and suggest that he Doesn't Like Them! Abuse the man until he resorts to linking to random Daypop Top 40 transients with a textual arched-eyebrow, with a hipster-goof mock-sarcastic word or two, until he winds up posting the results of the latest "Which Star Trek Voyager Character Are You?" quiz, until he abandons the long-form post forever and begins to exhibit all the outward symptoms of a terminal speed-freak, which is the behavioural lot of those approaching the terminal stages of webloggerdom.

    Fly, my pretties, fly!

    Best. Photoshops. Ever. Evar.

    God bless the SA Goons in the Something Awful forums. To the Riff Lords, I bow.

    knormal-memelmo.jpg
    [I didn't make this.]

    Update : In predictable fashion, the lawyers have jumped in to fux0r the fun. *sigh* Hope you had a look while the pics were still there.

    You Know Who You Are

    An aside to that annoying bastard (you know who you are) who made me nearly blow a gasket recently when he described Daddy Bush's incursion in the Gulf a dozen years ago as a justified battle of Good Versus Evil, a righteous mobilization to displace "Saddam Hussein, who was, uhhh, like, a new Hitler" : read this, you clueless propaganda-lapping dipsh-t. And this too, if your attention span can manage it.

    Thanks to OnePotMeal for the timely facts, some of which I'd forgotten. Non-dipsh-ts may wish to read his next post, which is marvellous in a completely different way.

    Going All Memepool on Your Ass

    Art. Nature. Blues. Play more spaceship and Satan music! Monsters. Travel. World's Best Bars. Return of the stubbie. Sex with Chickens. f--k Microsoft. Sleep Sex. 800 lashes! weblog.f--k.org. confused, disorganized and maddeningly tiring to read. Mmmm Gyros! Indestructible sandwich plus muscle-building pill = well, who f--king cares, really?

    This weblogging sh-t gets tiresome, you know. Never gonna do that again.

    *goes back to whatever it was he was doing before*

    (Uhhh - read the above as stream-of-link-consciousness, I guess. Puts me in mind of my first trip to London at 22, sleeping on sweatsoaked foam mattresses on the floor of a gymnasium for a quid a night, wandering the streets in a boggled, eyes-wide and mind-racing haze, gobsmacked, with my taciturn-but-dependable university buddy Stiffy more or less trailing along, me spewing random stream of consciousness poetry as we walked, wheeling to look at him every once in a while and say 'write that down!', only half in jest (You think I'm arrogant now, you shoulda know me then!), returning at night, after 10 or 20 kilometres of diesel-fume footsore random dogsh-t wandering, back to the King's Cross Youth Club or whatever the f--k it was called, and bedding down on the foam mats we pulled out of the closet near our Finnish poor-but-happy temporary road-buddies, Sockhead and Son, listening to the proprietor of the flophouse-gym scream 'yoo fookin' coont!' at whoever was annoying him that evening. But, as I say so many times, that's a story for another day, perhaps...)

    Surrounded By Beauty

    There are some great writers around the virtual neighbourhood, and this man is one of them. I recommend you visit him daily...His latest gave me an erection. What higher praise can a wonderchicken give for a writer's work?

    None, I tell you! None! Well, other than offering to buy the author a beer. That too, is wonderchicken kudo-giving most emphatic. Eeksy-peeksy, I owe you one.