Rudy Giuliani. Rudy f–kin’ Giuliani. I caught the last 10 minutes or so of his horrifying public deep-throat of his paymasters in the Fellato-drome as I was shovelling down my lunchtime bibimbap this afternoon. In the way of a good journalist — which of course we know all bloggers aspire to be, with ‘blog is to journalism as waffle iron is to pita bread’ our battle cry — I’m going to pretend that I watched the whole thing with rapt attention, rather than with one eye while I mixed a big dollop of gochu-jang into my rice.

What kind of man could this unhinged bastard be? That he actually believes the kinds of things he said, up there with his naked face hanging out, boggles the mind. It would seem, unlike the president whose steaming sidewalk turds he unhinged his jaw to gobble up — whether in the name of tribal solidarity, or clean streets, or merely because we live in a world where public fabrication in the name of self-preservation trumps the lives of thousands, I don’t know — that he’s not merely a stupid man. How could he possibly justify the audacity of the warispeace platitudes and outright howlers he lobbed out over the heads of the assembled herd animals in the pit? Most of the assembled groundlings, interestingly, appeared to be a little bemused and confused as they milled and mooed that there was a distinct absence onstage of naked Iraqis chained to the pillars or homos cruficied and bloody in front of the stars-and-stripes. Is it possible that the fog of bullsh-t that was emanating from this opportunist f–k up on stage was choking them, too? Perhaps not, but I’m eternally the optimist.

“As I stood watching the towers fall, I turned to Bernie, and I said, ‘Thank God George Bush is our president’.”

Really? Did you really do that, Rudy? And how, for the rest of your life, will be you able to live it down, if you actually did?
To Giuliani’s credit, perhaps, was the look in his piggy little eyes as he limped his way through his clumsy litany of weasel-sh-t doubletalk. You could see it, if you looked closely: ‘Help me!’ his eyes seemed to be saying, while his mouth continued to force words out around the mechanically-reclaimed Republican meat that was occluding it. ‘Let me the hell out of here! I’ve sold my soul and made a foul, demonic joke of my integrity, and the price wasn’t high enough! There’s no way back from this, and I’m nuts-deep in the toothy maw of the beast!’
But f–k him. He made his choice. He’s a force for evil now, whether or not he ever was anything but. He’s on the side of America! The! Great! America! Mom and apple pie! America! Freedom and equality for some! America! Commerce is honour! America! Hurry up and get those ovens finished, so we can get this Final Solution thing underway! America the proud torturers! America! With us or against us!
I have mentioned before that I’m against you, right, America?
Just so we’re clear.

non compos mentis, Politics Chafe My Scrote

Join the conversation! 9 Comments

  1. ya, it’s just too damn bad you can’t have the cheap booze and toothless hookers with out all this other crap.

  2. You’re against America…
    All of it?
    The spacious skies?
    The waves of amber grain?
    The purple mountain majesties?
    Even the fruited plains?
    From sea to shining sea?

  3. Given the binary bonehead option of ‘with us er agains’ us’, yep, I gotta go with the latter.
    Nothin’ personal, you understand.

  4. Kind of harsh to paint all Americans with such a large brush, isn’t it?. Trust me, there are plenty of us who strongly disagree with the current administration and its policies. But you’re a smart lad, you already knew that, didn’t you.
    Small world though, an aquaintance of mine who also loves to fish says he’s a neighbor of yours.
    As for understanding, not sure that I do. But that’s neither here nor there.
    I do enjoy your blog and wish I could write even 1/4 as good as you do. Good luck with that book,

  5. Sorry, knee-jerk snark.
    Thanks for the well-wishes on the book. Still won’t believe it ’til my comp copy shows up.

  6. I just noticed that the post title is “Rudy Can’t Fail”
    rudy can’t fail

  7. Your wild-eyed hatred of all things American cracks me up… Does anything else motivate you? Possibly, just maybe, the opportunity to profit from your one-sided stance?
    Don’t assume I don’t agree with what you say… There is alot of truth to it, but alot of opinionated drivel as well.
    But then again, the boring truth just don’t draw much interest, does it?
    I invite you to Southwest New Mexico, in the grand ole’ USofA…
    Home of hippies and cattle ranchers, coatimundis and gila monsters, government haters and religious wackos, flag waving Mexican immigrants and contented jobless freeloaders… the list goes on and on – but the wilderness is big and I’ve traveled enough of the world to know there ain’t many more fascinating places to live…

  8. Wild-eyed? Nah. Hatred? Well, sometimes, I admit. But I do try to hate the sin rather than the sinner.
    I’d love to visit New Mexico. It sounds as if the mix of people is not unlike the Northern Frontier where I grew up, and learned to distrust The Man.
    And yes, that was a joke.

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