I watched ‘Magnolia’ last night. Yeah, I know : get with the times you cheesy halfwit, that movie is soooo 20th century! We’re all about Keanu having a Mark Hamill moment over the pincushiony corpse of Trinity as the swarms of cgi-squid thingos penetrate (heh) the womb (woohee) of humanity (oh-ho!) like so many stainless-steel sperm these days, boyo. Get with the program!
Oh f–k off.
So, anyway, I watched all three hours of this fine film, and I am here to tell you, the last person in America that hasn’t seen it, that it is indeed a fine film.
Perhaps the best things about the movie for me were all the damp, crumpled-up faces, contorted and shivering under the hammerblows of nearly unbearable emotions, or close facsimiles thereof. The long long closeups of those emoting auteurs were a veritable emotional Dustbuster™, by crikey, sucking the carbon out of my psychosexual valves. Then squirting in a healthy spritz of WD-40, which your average Dustbuster can’t do without special attachments. Which was why this was so damn good!
(By picking this particular metaphor to describe the mood I was in as the credits rolled and I closed Winamp™ and toddled off for a healthy crap, I am in no way claiming that this movie sucked. On the contrary, it rocked me! Rocked me like a tropical depression at the very least.)
No, seriously, folks. I loved this movie with an unhealthy passion, and I’m merely cracking anticlockwise to try and hide the uncomfortable feelings it stirred in my heart. I cried a bit, even. Especially when Tom Cruise’s unfeasibly large package was flopping around. C’mon! That sh-t was scary, damn it!
Anway. When I die, if I don’t get a f–king rain of frogs, I’m complaining to the management.
(Thus ends my very first movie-review blog post, which is soooo summer 2003, unless you’re Mistah Kottke and can get away with that sort of thing, I know. I really am trying like hell to get with the program, I swear, but when you spend as much time as I do plucking the newly-lush profusion of hairs out of your ears, you get a little behind, all right?)

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Join the conversation! 6 Comments

  1. I gotta watch that movie again.

  2. A very good movie, but I’m not sure I’d call it great. It’s ambitious as hell, which is much more than 99% of the movies out there can say, but it has its flaws. For instance, I think it could lose an hour off the running time and have even greater impact.
    But each time I see it I still cry my eyes out. And some of the trailers are brilliantly edited.

  3. Having never seen Magnolia, I cannot comment on the movie, but I am right up there with you when it comes to hair growing out the ears. If only I could pull out all the hair that grows on various parts of my body where I don’t want it and plant it on top of my head, I could stop blinding people every time I go out in the sun.

  4. yes.
    ear hair.
    except my hair grows *on* the outer rim of my ears, not within. it glows golden and wavy when lit from behind.
    you did read Skot’s post on The Hair?
    So, what’s this movie about then?

  5. I don’t remember the last time I saw a movie. More than a year ago, maybe more than two years. I hadn’t even heard of Magnolia until just now, and I laughed heartily because I thought you were going to tell us about renting Steel Magnolias (another movie I’ll never see, but I remember an unavoidable ad campaign starring the Golden Girls or something) and having a good cry or feeling empowered and beautiful on the inside or something.
    So that’s my dare to you: review Steel Magnolias. And every other movie with Magnolia (or maybe Mongolia) in the title.
    Or not. It’s a slow day.

  6. But…but…*lip quivers* I am beautiful on the inside, Eeksy!

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