Man, I love them Americans. They feel so strongly about entertaining the rest of us with their comedic stylings, and we are all in their debt for keeping us laughing. The chutzpah, the testicular fortitude that they collectively show, out there on the world stage, walking the tightrope between hilarious self-parody and a collapse into a light-gobbling singularity whose gravitational gradient is so steep that even irony cannot escape. Bravo, I say!
The tension they so skillfully build in all the rest of us who hang on every faux-drunken swerve and stumble of their political machine is breathtaking. Those rapscallions. Teetering up there on the democracy highwire, introducing ramshackle, insecure electronic voting systems built on Microsoft™ Access© while they so nobly and selflessly impose American freedom and democracy on the Afghanis and Iraqis? Oh, eek, I can’t watch! Putting their dear leader up there on stage to praise the 10 million voters registered in Afghanistan, when only 9 million are eligible? The showmanship is breathtaking, and The Funny is debilitating.
Trotting out a frothing villain like Zell Miller to inflame the stupid, while retaining the option of distancing yourself (‘He’s not a Republican!’) should the spin from the assembled stenographers of the press turn ugly? Pure comedy gold! Did you see the look on that old bastard’s face when he felt the carpet being pulled out from under him? Classic, backslappin’ American pie hijinks!
Oh, you wacky yank bastards, how I love that you’d totter so close to the abyss to entertain us all. I wake up each morning frothing in my urgency to fire up my old PC and find out what new japery you might have unleashed.
The subtleties of the ways your leaders use words, my friends, while merely appearing to wield them like a simpleton’s club, claiming that they ‘don’t do nuance‘… simply magnificent. The way that you can collectively turn on an ironic dime, and allow a man whose family connections excused him from serving his country to shine the character assassination jocularity spotlight on a man who actually did. And the way that that fellow and his supporters let their foes just do it. Oh, it’s belly-laughin’ time, right there!
You Americans kill me. No really, you do. Not as dead as the 10,000 (30,000?) Iraqis, or the 3000 Afghanis, or the 1000 Americans, or the 100 ‘coalition of the willing’ (oh, dear, that’s a nugget of comedy pyrite there, too) members. (And never mind those 50,000 Komedy Korpses in the Darfur. They’re not dead from the hilarity apoplexy!)
A pretend cowboy President whose horses are rented? A constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage in a nation where half of all marriages end in divorce? An inner powerbroker circle of oil company gassholes and oil prices at all-time highs? A leader who claims to receive instructions from his god (or from ‘beyond the stars’, whatever that means), making offhand remarks about crusades? Invading a country that posed no threat, while the Norks built more nukes and threaten to turn Seoul into a lake of fire? Talking about corporate responsibility and pumping a few billion into your vice-president’s old company? Contracting out your warfare needs to the lowest (or best-connected) bidder? Running a gulag in Cuba, of all places? Torturing children in Iraq while proudly (if spuriously) proclaiming ‘no child left behind’ back home? Reducing the taxes of the richest, then making populist proclamations like ‘there’s no point taxing the rich because they just dodge their tax bill anyway‘? Osama bin who?
Your A-material kills, my friends. You rock.
You gotta take your show on the road.

Politics Chafe My Scrote, Uncrappy

Join the conversation! 10 Comments

  1. yep, laughing so hard i cry.
    but stavros… well, it’s not like i’m running around waving a flag or anything, or even like i could probably even stand to live there, but i do sort of wince that you’re talking about “americans” and sort of presenting this as if all americans were the new SNL cast.
    i mean, the man didn’t win a majority, so it’s not really even the majority’s fault. and not like my home country lacks for stupid people (or brilliant comedians, you might say) but i’d think you were above such broad-brushed painting.
    dunno. i realize the humor of this post required some sweeping with the generalizations, and i did laugh, so: mission accomplished. but…

  2. What can I say? My brush is broad, but my heart is big.

  3. In other words, Mr. Bush, please *do* quit your day job.

  4. Actually, I would prefer they didn’t take their show on the road – we have enough election-style comedy gold going on down here at the moment as it is, without importing headline acts.

  5. yes empty, great post. And all in the great cause of freedom! The irony of it all.

  6. The only thing funnier than American politics,is how canadians masquerade as a nation. There is far too much France in your veins. As I recall, it wasn’t Cananda, nor will it ever be,but America that has to do the heavy lifting around the world to rid it of oppressive socialist cess pools that get created by the arrogant,effeminized and foolish intelligentsia that occupies the waste lands to the north of america, and old,tired and depraved europe. Peter Jennings, has been your biggest and best export,and that ain’t saying much.

  7. Here, Mike, let me just wipe that bit of drool off your chin….whup. There. Got it.
    Now go back to your toys, and let the Big People talk, mmkay?

  8. Brilliant, funny and very sad.
    I wish we could move Canada to the European continent, and get away from these doods.

  9. peter jennings? pardon me while i hurl.
    but that does beg making a point here. the problem with canada is the brain drain machine america has set up on her border. the best and the brightest eventually flee canada and immigrate to the states leaving behind bitter, stupid, and envious lefties hellbent on sucking up to europe by playing the hate america card. fine with me, i have never had any use for people that think “the beaver is a noble animal” anyway.

Comments are closed.