My two-week visit to back to Canada, by the numbers.

  • years since previous visit: 4
  • kilometres driven: 3270
  • members of personal pantheon of heroes (of 5 surviving) drunk with: 4
  • percentage doing better than last time I saw them: 100%
  • percentage of them who believe they are dying: 25%
  • percentage of them with whom manly tears were shed about one thing or another: 75%
  • ways in which I might well have died while rolling ATV into icy bog: 4
  • number of beers consumed before said accident: 4
  • number of hours before getting some dry clothes on: 3
  • number of beers subsequently retrieved from mud under chest-deep icewater: 18
  • cameras ruined: 1
  • fresh moose carcasses manhandled: 2
  • teeth chipped on shot embedded in Canada goose breast: 1
  • average price of Canadian cigarettes:$9.50
  • approximate price ratio, Canadian/Korean smokes: 4:1
  • packs of duty-free Korean cigarettes given away, despite people claiming they didn’t like them: 8
  • teeny bottles of maple syrup brought back for coworkers: 11
  • number of new cocktails discovered with unrestrained glee: 1
  • number of new cocktails discovered whose ingredients cannot be bought in Korea: 1
  • car-battery-sized blocks of cheese consumed: 1
  • hamburgers eaten: 18
  • number of days free of alcohol consumption: 0
  • kilograms of weight gain: 3
  • unexpected pleasure at returning to Korea, which now feels like home: unlimited
Booze Glorious Booze, Me|dia
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Join the conversation! 19 Comments

  1. Now is as good a time as any, especially in light of that last “stat,” for all reclining chickens to whisper that handy rule wot goes, “home is where the heart is.” Unless said chicken is in fact a time lord, with two hearts, an ability to withstand long periods in an icy state and, most impressively, resist shrinkage.

  2. Hmmm… and I thought “home is where you wear your hat”.

  3. Stavros, stop by the monkey house and let us know if you had that bottle-o-booze that we sent you, so many ages ago.

  4. Weeks by which you missed your aunt P on the island hookup with your mom: 2
    sounds like a good trip (not quite far) East (enough). Espccially the cheese.

  5. Number of mildly intoxicated philisophical discussions of great importance…(at least at the time): at least 1 😉

  6. But wait! You didn’t tell us how many boxes of Kraft Dinner you smuggled home!

  7. That looked like some very stinky cheese, indeed.

  8. Hey.
    This site looks interesting for me.
    I just found this site through web surfing so I haven’t really read your opinions and thoughts.
    I will definately do that sometime later.
    I wish I knew you before when I was in Korea in Summer.
    my first awareness about you is you are either a genius or an idiot.
    I’m hoping to find it out.
    take care.

  9. memer: two livers, maybe.
    tizzie: booze? You sent me booze? I do not remember this. (But that’s my brain all over.) I’ll have to mail my mom and ask…
    rocco: If I’d been more than a few hours sober in Vancouver, I’d’ve called you, I swear. I am a bad man (and your tribe of wild wimmen scares me).
    cuz: your fault! I thought you were going to move to Vancouver!
    ashes: aye, mate.
    bearman: three, and you know it, bro!
    fp: mmm, stank.
    Chris: i’ve been called both. not necessarily mutually exclusive.

  10. Was that booze the scotch sent to my place in Kelowna when Rick died? If so I recall that it didn’t last long, and was appreciated by myself and Stav.

    If we’re talking about an entirely different bottle of booze, than never mind…

  11. I do not remember that at all.
    Christ, I need a new brain.

  12. This is one serious depressing site…… I LOVE IT…….

  13. I read your comment on Just Shelley and think you may want to give Megite ( a try. What’s more, you can create personalized version if you have an OPML file.

  14. Stavros,

    I stumbled across your brilliant 2003 post in which you threatened to “pummel” the author of a book, which you never read but felt qualified to critique in your inimitable, foul-mouthed way.

    Was that a serious challenge? Or were you just farting some more out your mouth? I travel to Seoul about once a year, so perhaps we can clarify the matter. You’ll be easy to find.

  15. Errr, you want to give me a link? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    Was that a serious challenge?

    Like I said, I don’t remember what you’re talking about, but: duh. I doubt it. Why — were you the author of the book in question?

    Also, I don’t live in Seoul.

  16. Stavros,
    I think joe means this

  17. I will say, further, that the rant in question was kind of sloppy and uninspired, and that I’d do a much less spittle-flecked and more testicle-laminating job of it now. You know, if I actually gave a shit.

  18. Ah, got it. Thanks, m. Google failed me when I searched for ‘pummel’. Here’s the money shot for those following along at home : “I suspect Mr Hannas is precisely the sort of person that I’d take great pleasure in pummelling until he whimpered like a frightened infant (a reaction that may reveal to some extent why I left academia many years ago, having dipped no more than a toe in its calm waters).

    Now, Anonymous Coward Joe Blow, if you think that’s a threat, son, you’re very much mistaken. A threat sounds like this: “I’m going to knock your fucking teeth down your throat, little man!” Threats threaten, you see.

    Now, to be clear (because apparently it’s necessary to explain these things at length), that was not meant as a performative utterace — it was merely an illustrative example.

    See, I don’t threaten people on the internet, because it’s just dumb, and because internet tough guys are inevitably pudgy dweebs living in their moms’ basements. I make jokes, and people of weeny wit and even weenier reading comprehension skillsets inevitably take the jokes seriously, so I have to explain, yet again, then clutch my head in mock despair at how low we have fallen that a simple chicken can’t talk shit (in his risibly over-the-top, obviously meant-for-entertainment-only Loud Voice) without getting his dick stepped on.

    Oy vey, oh woe.

  19. OK, the spammers are going nuts on this post, and it looks like Mr Blow isn’t coming back, so I’m a-closin’ it.

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