Dear WonderChickenistas, In a development

Dear WonderChickenistas,
In a development predictable to anyone who’s been doing this for a while, I’ve come to the conclusion that this game is not as much fun as once it was, so I think I’m going to take a wee break. I love each and every one of the few hundred folks who show up here every day to read the new stuff that tumbles out from the spin cycle in my brain, I really do, and I thank you for the recognition and the kindness and the pornographic haiku and the cheese-flavoured snacks. Especially the snacks.
But, like many before me, people better, smarter, stronger, faster, and possessed of bionic limbs that are just way out of my price bracket, I must take a wee break to fix – or at least pretend to fix, or make a stab at thinking about fixing, or maybe just drink enough to achieve the erroneous conviction that I’ve fixed – the semi-fictional but nonetheless distracting problems I keep finding in my life at the moment.
Not that the power, wonder, glory and sheer incoherence that is called WonderChicken is going away, precisely. I’ll see you on the ‘Filter, on the ‘Pile, at the MonkeyHouse, and in your blog comments, when you least expect it. Ka-pow!
But I need a break, I think, from approval-seeking, to try and find something that’s a little…meatier… to which I should devote my primary attention.
I’ll be back, soon, no doubt.
Love (and peace, by crikey),

Same As It Ever Was

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…


This online petition for the “Immediate and Total Repeal of the USA/Patriot ACT ” has about 6000 signatures as I write this. It is open to all US residents.

To: U.S. Congress
We, the undersigned, hereby declare that anti-terrorism legislation passed by our US Congress since the tragic and murderous September 11, 2001 attacks on our nation, seriously damage and infringe upon the constitutional protections that are enshrined in our Bill of Rights.
We declare that it is not patriotic, but rather Un-American to destroy the very freedoms which cause Americans to love their country.
We declare that open government is critical to democracy and that by imposing new levels of secrecy our government appears less trustworthy and lessens the people’s ability to make informed decisions about government.
We declare that lessening the strength of the judicial and legislative branches of our government, while simultaneously giving completely unlimited powers to the executive branch does damage to our American principle of separation of powers.
We oppose the use of secret military tribunals at which a person is afforded no independent defense counsel and could be sentenced to die and executed without the knowledge and approval of the American people.
We oppose the president’s orders to lock down presidential records, thus denying our ability to judge the actions of the executive.
We oppose the indefinite imprisonment of foreign nationals if no criminal charge has been placed against them. We further oppose the holding of any person without publicly declaring the crime they are charged with.
We oppose the “sneak and peek” provision of the PATRIOT Act, which crushes our 4th amendment protections against unreasonable search and seizure by denying citizens their right to be aware that their property is to be searched and their right to protest such search if the warrant is out of order.
We oppose the collection of private business records by order of secret courts and the muzzling of those citizens who receive such orders from speaking publicly about them. This is a violation of both the 1st and 4th amendment.

Sad, Strange

It tastes like one of those sad strange stories that one stumbles across occasionally on the web, and in real life too, by golly. Definitely the sort of thing that you’d research and write a long article about for some reputable magazine if you were so inclined, but since you’re a blogger with an attention span of approximately six seconds (and unless you’re Mike Golby and core dump tens of thousands of words a day) you don’t.


Kitten Natividad appeared in such fine films as Tittilation, Tittilation 3, Big Busty 3, Bodacious Ta-Tas, Famous Ta-Tas, Best of Big Busty, Thanks for the Mammaries, Ten Years of Big Busts 2, Big Boob Lottery, Wild Wild Chest 3, The Double-D Avenger, and Fresh Tits of Bel-Air. One gets a sense of where she (or more convincingly the eeek! evil! Hollywood Movie Machine) perceived her primary talents to lie.
I see a long wistful but critical look, the magazine equivalent of Boogie Nights meets Almost Famous (isn’t that how you’re supposed to pitch stuff : “It’s like X meets Y, with Tom Cruise as the lead! Come on, you gotta love that!”), at the titty-film industry of the Seventies. We’re not talking gun-to-Linda’s head hardcore Deep Throat nastiness, here, we’re talking the campy (but equally reprehensible (or is it? you leave that to the reader, kimosabee!)) oeuvre of Russ Meyer and his brethren. Interviews with the aging thick-eyeglassed silk-kimono-clad Hugh Hefner wannabe lotharios, and some of the now-grandmothers who shook their moneymakers in blockbusters like Thanks for The Mammaries. A portrait of Kitten growing up in the fifties. Pop-psych pointers to the so-obvious traumas that led her to a life in the softcore industry.
Then, the kicker. After decades of paying the bills with her breasts, she undergoes a double mastectomy for treatment of breast cancer in October 1999. The piece is about surviving breast cancer, you see, and now it becomes clear that we’re talking about more than just titty-films here. This is a piece about the equality of women, about empowerment, about not letting the bastards grind you down, about triumph in the face of adversity and sisterhood and all that good stuff! The crowd goes wild!
Finally, the oddball, unexpected clincher, of the sort that life provides to the observant, making truth once more (and by now it should be predictably) stranger than fiction : in 2001, two years after her double mastectomy, she reappears on the silver screen (or silver disc, probably) in The Double-D Avenger.
You close out the piece with a wry observation from Kitten herself on the curves that life throws you, and fade to textual black.
[lifted from d/blog]

It Weren't Just Hockey

Mike points me to Douglas Ord’s piece ‘It Weren’t Just Hockey’, a timely link indeed for me, coming as it does hard on the heels of the recent Daypop-fueled kafuffle over Canuck Robert MacDougall’s rant about America. I think it illuminates quite ably some of the anger and resentment many Canadians feel towards America, by dwelling on the specifics of some events of which I was only vaguely aware. Much as the “Canada sux, d00d!” meme has taken over among the Youth Of America, fueled mostly, I think, by the Blame Canada! silliness in the South Park movie, lifted out of context and taken at face value, there seems to be little awareness in America of the reciprocal strength of real ill-will in many parts of Canadian society towards the 800-pound gorilla to the south. And if conjoined siblings are at odds, to a degree where some sort of ritualized catharsis is necessary, what of the rest of the world?

But the Toronto – New York series had an especially nasty edge, with the question widely asked as to whether hockey had reached a new low.
The series went a full seven games, & was ultimately won by the Maple Leafs on home ice, four games to three.
It also featured bizarre anomalies.
Among them was persistent booing of the Canadian national anthem in New York, even as the US national anthem was cheered in Toronto.
The booing in New York only got louder as the series went on, notwithstanding that the night before the series began on April 18th, four Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan had been killed, & eight wounded, by a laser-guided bomb dropped by a US F-16 fighter plane.

[image found at the ‘pile]

In fact the entire period of the series, from April 18th to 30th, was one of confused national mourning in Canada, on account of the killing of the four soldiers, who were the first Canadian combat casualties in nearly fifty years, & who were victims of the US Air Force.
Nevertheless, it has now emerged that for the sixth game of the series, & the last in New York, the audience there did more than just loudly boo the Canadian national anthem.
According to Bruce Arthur in the May 2nd National Post, a paper I don’t much like but that sometimes has interesting tidbits, the opera student who had sung both national anthems in Toronto for an earlier game got a surprise when he arrived in New York for the sixth one:
“Days after being cheered as he sang the Canadian and American anthems before an NHL playoff game in Toronto, Robert Pomakov watched, horrified, as unruly New York hockey fans burned his Canadian flag in the parking lot of Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum.
“Mr. Pomakov, an opera singer, saw both his Canadian and his Toronto Maple Leaf flags torn from his car and set on fire by a crowd chanting ‘USA! USA!’ in the moments before Sunday’s Game 6 between the Leafs and the New York Islanders.
“‘We lost four of our soldiers and they were basically defending these idiots,’ an outraged Mr. Pomakov said. “If patriotism is what drives these people and their ignorance, then I am ashamed to have our soldiers defending them… There’s a line that needs to be drawn, and this was just so far across.”
What Pomakov did not mention, of course, was that the Canadian soldiers were not just killed while implicitly defending American citizens from “terrorist attack.” They were killed by an American fighter pilot, and are the only Canadians to be killed, or even wounded, in the war in Afghanistan.
Nor, it should be noted, did the American mob shout “New York! New York!” or “Islanders! Islanders!” while burning the Canadian flag.
Instead they chanted “USA! USA!”.
This being the chant which accompanied George W. Bush’s first visit to the ruins of the World Trade Centre in that same New York City, & which has become the semi-official vocal accompaniment to the “war on terror.”


If for some reason you’re not reading each and every ever-lovin’ day, well, I respectfully recommend that you start. Knowledge is power. Stoke the fires of your righteous resentment, then get the heck out there and try and make a difference, you big silly, you!
Or not. It’s your call. I’m just sayin’.
Also, this, I like.

Since the FBI warning is unnecessary to honest citizens and is ineffective in thwarting thieves, that means that last year the FBI stole 4,266,444 hours from American citizens. Assuming an average (don’t ask which type of average) salary of $50,000 in the US, that means the FBI stole $106,661,111.11 in lost productivity just from videotape viewers.

And : I want one of these. I’d love to see peoples’ faces as I arachno-commute to the university every morning driving that sucker… Almost enough to make me want to move back to my sh-tty little logging-industry hometown. Almost.

Questions of Poop

Have you ever been caught out in the middle of the night in a park with a runny bum and a convulsing bowel, had to squat and squirt like a beast behind a bush somewhere, and in lieu of paper or leaves or pretty much anything that could be profitably employed for the wiping of the soiled starfish, come up with the brilliant idea of dragging your bum along the dewy grass a bit (learned from the childhood observation of your dog ‘Boomer’ when he had worms) to clean off any klingons?
No, me neither. I was just checking.


Neatly wrapped for your convenience : Tom from has gone plumb loco, collected most of the pieces that started online, were hoiked and slapped into necessarily design-free dead-tree pages in the book “We’ve Got Blog” (thus, in the absence of bells and whistles, helping this observer to clarify his private thoughts about who can and who can’t write their way out of a paper bag), but are still to be found floating around in the InTArWeb aether, and smacked ’em down into one nice clean list of links.
A most laudable public service. And essential reading for those still getting up to speed on this whole Blog Thing. Thanks, Tom.
Edit : I particularly like this, since it fits in so well with my angry young man grumpy old curmudgeon thang.

I still don't hate Korea

I’ve said it before, and prompted by this unexpected piddling on my pompadour, I’ll say it again. I don’t hate Korea. What I loathe with a white-hot ass-blistering passion is stupidity and greed and cruelty and incompetence and unfairness and a host of other things that people do all the goddamned time, all around the goddamned world. If I lived in Burkina Faso (in the city with the most euphonious name, Ouagadougou), I’d be complaining about the Ouagadougouns. If I lived back in Canada, I’d be railing against the cretin up the street and the f–kwits in the government there. It is in my nature to kick against the pricks. The fact that those pricks surrounding me are Korean, as an outgrowth of the fact that I live in Korea, is merely an accident of geography.


Japanese researchers have found film footage in Pyongyang indicating the United States conducted germ warfare against China and North Korea during the Korean War.
Pretzelboy, of course, would never mention America’s role in the proliferation of this kind of evil while stumbling over the phonetically-spelled gradeschool-bully scripts his handlers have him mouth.
The wiggly lines emanating from my eyes indicate rage, contempt and hatred.
Edit : Now let me get this straight. Iraq’s use of gas has been repeatedly cited by President Bush and by his national security advisor as justification for ”regime change” in Iraq. But the New York Times is quoting ‘senior military officers’ as saying that “there was a covert U.S. program during the Reagan administration to provide Iraq with battle planning assistance at a time when intelligence agencies knew Iraqi commanders would use chemical weapons in waging the decisive battles of the Iran-Iraq war”.
That’s funny, isn’t it? Speaking of “regime change“….

The problem remains the practicalities. Whereas in Afghanistan the allies could rely on a local opposition force on the ground, no such scenario can be relied on in this case. The Spanish speaking minority in the south might be induced to rise up. There could be assistance from Minutemen in the mountains. But the democratic opposition is too defeated and divided to provide much help. The answer could be an “inside-out” strategy using special forces to take Washington and a few key nuclear bases. Provided the rest of the country was left to get on with its business, there would probably be little internal opposition to a seizure of the capital.
That leaves the substantial problem of an “exit strategy”. There is no point in a repeat of 1812. But the experience of America in Japan after the Second World War could provide a model. A period of occupation of five to 10 years could provide an opportunity to inculcate ideas of true democracy, with a fair electoral system based on absolute majority, abolition of the death penalty, introduction of unions into hi-tech industries and a break-up of the Zaibatsu, the overweening corporations such as Microsoft, Exxon and General Electric.

Life, she's a bitch

You know that book I mentioned that I was writing a while ago? No? Ah well, bear with me.
So I started writing this book a couple of weeks ago. Figured I’d do the Nanomowrimomo thing, or whatever the f–k it’s called, and just barf out the story unadorned. The story that’s been percolating around in my head for about 7 years now, the mostly-true-with-the-names-changed-to-protect-the-innocent tale of booze, madness, sex, drugs, and rock and roll on the high seas that those of you who know me In Real Life have heard me reminisce about when well-watered.
It’s been a few years since I’d heard from or about any of the principles in the tale, and I’d pretty much given up hope of ever tracking any of them down, gilded-caged as I am here in Korea.
So who do I hear from yesterday after years of being ‘long-lost’? One of my best friends on the planet, the mad bastard who more than any other helped me transform myself from an overcautious wannabe into a two-fisted beery swashbuckler, the guy who plays the starring role in my Nautical Tales Most Edifying, my brother by dint of shared joy and grief, Craig ‘Pancho’ Oliver.
So the book’s back on the back burner, while life, happily, intercedes. But if I do finish the book, I hope and expect it will be richer and more rewarding for the reminiscences that me and my long lost amigo will be sharing over the next while.
Welcome back, mi hermano, even if you didn’t feel as if you were lost.



A tender and slightly melancholy Metafilter reminiscence in response to a completely puerile threadstarter from a new member, courtesy of tamim. The occasional astonishing comment like this, and the occasional great thread (of which there have been a few lately) always keep me coming back for more.

Chickenhawks and Gunhumpers

Inspired by Shelley and Jonathan, who said :

I’d like to suggest an Honor Roll of Warbloggers, which would display next to each name: the warblog URL, the number of years of active military service, and the likelihood of the warblogger’s being called up to fight against Iraq. It is commonly observed by students of military history that civilian enthusiasm for going to war is inversely proportional to the sum of combat experience and eligibility for military service.

I did about 3 minutes worth of research to bring you some lists of those prominent Americans who avoided military service but are now, unsurprisingly, waggling their thanato-erotic weenies around with the most vigor.
Here’s a good list, and here, a more partisan one, but still informative.
A sampler :

GW Bush – decided that a six-year Nat’l Guard commitment really means four years. Still says that he’s “been to war.” Huh?
Dick Cheney – several deferments, the last by marriage (in his own words, “had other priorities than military service”)
Att’y Gen. John Ashcroft – sought deferment to teach business ed at SW Missouri State
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert – avoided the draft, did not serve.
Majority Leader Dick Armey – avoided the draft, did not serve.
Majority Whip Tom Delay – avoided the draft, did not serve. “So many minority youths had volunteered … that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like himself.”
Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott – avoided the draft, did not serve.

I also noticed that one of the warbloggers with whom Bb has been debating (in an admirably reasonable, evenhanded fashion, I must admit), has said that the epithet ‘warblogger’ is no longer fashionable.
In light of this, and my strong suspicion that most if not all of these armchair wannabe warriors would detumesce and piss their pants the first time they saw a human corpse up close and personal, I’d like to submit for your consideration some possible new names for them :

  • “Auto-erotic Death Fetishists”
  • “Phallocratic Linktards”
  • “Frustrated KillBunnies”
  • “Circle-jerking GunHumpers”
  • “Bushtastic KillMonkeys”
  • “Fearbloggers”
    If you have any ideas, please feel free to drop them in the comments. Let’s help out these poor fellas and make sure they have a spiffy new collective name, before it’s too late!
    (and, yes, I’m just being a sh-t-disturber for the free-wheeling hell of it)

  • fcuk Off, Redux

    Item 1 : An international human rights group files a lawsuit against the ExxonMobil oil company, accusing it of actively abetting human rights abuses in Indonesia, and complicity in the murder, torture and sexual abuse of the local population, including supplying the Indonesian military with equipment to dig mass graves, as well as building interrogation and torture centres.
    Item 2 : The US State Department urges the federal court to dismiss the lawsuit and declares that pursuit of the case would hinder Washington’s war on terror.
    Item 3 : Top industry contributors to Bush/Cheney election campaign :

  • 1. Enron $1.8m
  • 2. Exxon $1.2m
  • Item 4 : The Financial Times doesn’t even attempt embroidery : “Washington says, the lawsuit could discourage foreign investment in Indonesia, particularly in the energy and mining industries. ”
    I am moved, as I have been at other times, to say f–k the Bush administration, f–k them in the eye with a dead donkey’s wasabi-dipped dick. They are pure evil. I am daily more and more of the opinion that it is the responsibility of every ethical person, American or otherwise, to oppose these filthy bastards to the full extent of their powers, by every legal means at your disposal.


    And as for you bloodthirsty little father-figure worshipping lickspittles collectively known as ‘warbloggers’? Well, we all know the root cause of your infantile needs to invade, overwhelm and subjugate, don’t we?
    How’s that for debate?