A Political Dream

I had a dream last night. A glorious technicolour dream. A political dream.
In my dream, Candidates Kerry and Edwards realized that Dim George and Snarling Dick were going to pull Osama Bin Laden out of their asses at some opportune moment before the election, and crucify him on the White House lawn. Plant the cross in a pool of scented oil to keep the saudi cooties from spreading, invite the bloodclan and Fox News and Dad, and rouse the tribes to a tumescent, frantic headline-crawl apogee of Republican vote-lust. But in a tasteful way, with very little mention of anyone having to go and f–k themselves.
My dream-representation of the light dawning in the Johns’ minds was a tableau of them making cute anime ‘O’s with their mouths while rolling their eyes upwards toward a shared thought balloon in which Dick Cheney was holding the severed head of Osama up by its hair, letting the blood drip onto a Diebold voting machine. It was way cool.
So Franken-John and Pretty-John decided to go proactive. Winning, Kerry declared in his endearingly halting, tone-deaf way, is as much about kicking… some… mother…f–king ass as it is about proactively leveraging mission-critical paradigms in a time-sensitive fashion. Edwards popped up in front of him to declare that the only way to make America strong, to unite America again, and to preempt an October Suprise that would make America unstrong and disunited, was if the two of them were to hunt down that bastard OBL themselves, and beat the chickenhawks at their own game.
Yeah! said the crowd. Woo!
And so, enlisting the aid of a bionic monkey named Limbaugh (because robots and monkeys are funny, and a robot monkey wins by default (until the bionic monkey pirate shows up, at least)), the two boarded a Black Hawk helicopter and departed from an undisclosed location into the free and democratic mountains of America’s Newest Ally, Afghanistan. This wasn’t just any helicopter, mind you. This was way better than the Campaign Bus they figured on using off the get-go. Yes, this was a stealth chopper, and its shiny new Kerry/Edwards vinyl appliqués were replaced with other shiny new ones, ones shouting stuff like ‘Death To America!’ and ‘Jihad or Bust!’ (but with barely-legible disclaimers underneath in tiny little print, just in case somebody got the wrong idea). These guys were clever, canny combatants, and they had good media advisors!
With Lurch resplendant in Ramboriffic headband and shiny plastic nippleless muscley-torso, and co-John working his best assets and looking simply stunning in his floor-length silk gown, they combed the arid hills of the Afghan-Pakistan border in their OsamaChopper, setting down each evening as Allah’s sun sank into the dusty haze to lay traps for the Bad Guys. Candidate Breck Girl strutted his silky stuff while bandolero-strapped Candidate Kerry lurked in the shadows with Limbaugh and waited, guns akimbo, frowning for the film-school interns with the digital video cameras. Waiting for their quarry to strike the bait.
Waiting, and drinking whiskey, because that’s what men do when they’re hunting outlaws with a bionic monkey at their side.
That’s when I woke up with a start, all sweaty and disoriented. I hope I never have to see that look on my wife’s face again.

The Friday Five — Lazy Bastard Edition

Because I am a bad person, I have not been scouring the permalinkosphere for nuggets of excellence with my usual steely-eyed vigor this week.
Despair not, though, gentle readers, for I have nonetheless come up with a Single Link of such Power and Glory that it will make up for the notable lack of the Other Four, and quite possibly melt your Snatch Hairs.
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
And so [drum roll please] I give you… the Friday One! Do not operate heavy machinery while using this blog.

The Other Friday Five – Guilt-Plagued Edition

Yes, it’s Friday again in Korea — the first time it’s been Friday in, like, a couple of months, thanks to new legislation outlawing Friday in Korea in favour of having Thursday twice to reduce alcohol consumption (you read it here first!) — and so time for the Other! Friday! Five! in which I provide precisely 5 hard-won links to some things that I quite enjoy, and you click on them, and everybody’s happy.
Some of our lovely contestants you may know, some you may not. It’s all good.
So without further ado, join me down in the government yard in Trenchtown, friends, and revel in the linky goodness.

• John Scalzi
• Long story, short pier
• Ludic Kid
• Ming the Mechanic

and, because I’m an old-school geek at heart,

• tinyapps.org

[Post postscript : I've been daydreaming about The Before Times (™DV Polymedia) lately, and if the delicious frosty beverages I plan to consume this evening treat me right, I may have a tale or two to tell of those times when I should have (in the immortal words of Moe Berg) ended up dead in a ditch somewhere with a mind full of chemicals like some cheese-eating highschool boy. But didn't.
What's the point of doing stupid things unless you get at least a few amusing anecdotes out of it, right? Stay tuned to this channel!]

The Other Friday 5 Part 3 : The Bottle Strikes Back

Yes, friends, I’ve actually done something I said I was going to do, and on time as well. It’s the dawning of a new era, I tell you, and nothing on God’s green earth can stop me now! I’m bristling with barely contained power, the sparks are fair flying off me — his floating eyes, his flashing hair! — and the very earth beneath my feet trembles and groans and heaves in fast thick pants. Dearly beloved, it’s time once again to unleash the chthonic power of this internet, and reveal unto you : The Other Friday Five. These are things I like, and I am showing them to you.

• Strip mining for whimsy
• Satan’s Laundromat
• Yule Heibel’s Post Studio
• Laughing Knees
• My Korean Language Study Journey

Share and Enjoy.

Impeachy

If you’ve landed in the ‘bottle looking for some invective-laced wonderchicken perspective on the impeachment of Noh Moo Hyun here in Korea today, well, you’re outta luck, my friends. At least for the moment.
I will opine that the sh-t is quite possibly going to hit the fan, though. Will it be a tipping point, where the resentment and anger at how badly this country is governed by the wrinkly old chaebol rent-boys finally spills out of the confucian cup? I don’t know, and I’ve got beer to drink, but in the meantime you could do a lot worse than going here.

Interesting.

The Other Friday Five #2 : Electric Boogaloo

Yes, I actually remembered something from one week to the next, it’s Friday in Korea, and so it’s time for another pulse-pounding, axle-snapping, gear-grinding installment of the Other Friday Five. So here are some personal websites of which you may or many not be aware, but you should be, by golly, if you’re not. A mixed bag this time, with a little something for everyone. Line on the left, one cross each.

• Snarkout
• Ed Rants
• The Marmot’s Hole
• Number One Hit Song
• Whiskey River

Share and Enjoy.
Bonus link : All this blog-reading I’ve been able to do lately has been entirely thanks to the most excellent Bloglines. I never thought I’d be an aggregator user (and I wish there were some way to tell how many people are reading my feeds), but I am now a convert. Hoopla!
[Postscript : it would make my world that much closer to perfect if everyone would be more free with their content, and include full text of their posts in their feeds, rather than a parsimonious little excerpt. There's probably some good reason not to, but I don't know what it is. Pretty please?]