[This is bad][This might be offensive]

The ‘Jackhammer Jesus’ dildo. Part of the line of quality products that also includes the ‘Buddha’s Delight’, just to be equal-opportunity offensive, I guess.
I would be interested to talk to someone who would actually want to use one of these puppies. I’m a curious fella, though. Some might say too curious. Some others might say some other things, unpleasant things, things that are just plain mean, but when I stick my fingers in my ears and repeat “I can’t hear you!”, I find I am able to thwart their vicious attacks.
This is a Valuable Strategy, and I encourage you to use it in your very own Personal Life. Checks or money orders to the usual place.

Real or Parody?

You decide.

The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called… Darwin! That’s right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don’t advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an “Open Source” license, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, “lickable” buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism.

The look on the face of the ‘baby Jesus’ here is truly classic.
Also : ‘Man and dinosaur lived together peacefully around 2000 BC.’
Update : Ah crap. This link is #1 in the Daypoop Top Forty today. I am now officially Not Worth Reading.

Balloon Hats For Joy

“In 1996, Addi Somekh and Charlie Eckert began traveling to different places in the world to make balloon hats for people and take photos of them. The goal was to show people all over the world laughing and having fun, and to emphasize the fact that all human beings are born with the ability to experience joy. In total, they visited 34 countries and have over 10,000 pictures.”
Yes! Dammit, yes! I love these guys.
[via Everlasting Blort]

Enron explained : Now this, I like.

Cunningly crafted to appeal to the refined, erudite Wonderchicken sensibilities : monkeys, poop, humping, and random violence, all at the service of sticking it to the corporates. Heavy with goodness.

…What, in layman’s terms, actually happened at Enron?
Perhaps the best way to explain to the average reader (one without an economics degree) is to use a metaphor. Say there is a troop of monkeys and their day consists of seeking out bananas. The head monkey orders all the other monkeys to collect their bananas in a pile, which will be eaten at the end of the day and not a moment before.
Only not many bananas are found.
One of the monkeys starts screeching, voids his bowels and flings his excrement at another monkey. Soon all the monkeys are flinging monkeysh-t at each other and smearing it all over themselves. This arouses one monkey, who begins masturbating frantically. Other monkeys start mounting each other and a sh-t-stained orgy ensues. Monkeys hump violently, crushing those on the bottom of the pile. The head monkey grabs a stick and flails around at random, whacking his compatriots. He bares his teeth and screams a defiant message.
“REEEEEEEP! RREEEP! REEEP! REEEEP! Ooh ooh ooh. REEEEEAAAAAAAP!!!! REEEEEEEEEAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEP!!!!”
While this analogy is perhaps simplistic, it contains the essence of the problem posed by Enron.

Rumproast.

And I won't grind my teeth or anything?

Not that this won’t be everywhere soon, or isn’t already for all I f–king know, as I really don’t do terribly well at the mental-smooth-muscle-flexing, but I WANT SOME†.
† This should not be taken to indicate that I have any tendency or desire to, or history of or plans to, experiment with medications, legal or otherwise. I deny something similar to that, categorically. [Mr. Kissinger? Steve Felton, Sesame Street Gazette. If you could be any animal…] I deny engineering the bombings of small east Asian countries. I deny that, categorically.
What the hell was I talking about?

The Big Lebowski Random Quote Generator

lebowski.jpgNihilist 1: Vee vant zat money, Lebowski.
Nihilist 2: You think veer kidding und making mit de funny stuff?

I was somewhere wandering around penniless when The Big Lebowski came out, so I didn’t have a chance to see it. Over the next six months or so, about half a dozen old friends felt compelled, independently, to say : “Hey, Bosco! The Coen Brothers made a movie about you! You see it yet?”
Which I can see, now, to a degree, as I have been known at times to exude a long-haired, unkempt, pleasantly befuddled, dissipated-Jeff-Bridges aura. I do enjoy a cocktail or two from time to time. And Wacky Adventures™ are, after all, my stock in trade.
But have to come clean – I don’t smoke dope, I loathe bowling, and I’ve never had a ‘caucasian’.
[Muchas, like, gracias, Speedysnail]

You Know Who You Are

An aside to that annoying bastard (you know who you are) who made me nearly blow a gasket recently when he described Daddy Bush’s incursion in the Gulf a dozen years ago as a justified battle of Good Versus Evil, a righteous mobilization to displace “Saddam Hussein, who was, uhhh, like, a new Hitler” : read this, you clueless propaganda-lapping dipsh-t. And this too, if your attention span can manage it.
Thanks to OnePotMeal for the timely facts, some of which I’d forgotten. Non-dipsh-ts may wish to read his next post, which is marvellous in a completely different way.

Surrounded By Beauty

There are some great writers around the virtual neighbourhood, and this man is one of them. I recommend you visit him daily…His latest gave me an erection. What higher praise can a wonderchicken give for a writer’s work?
None, I tell you! None! Well, other than offering to buy the author a beer. That too, is wonderchicken kudo-giving most emphatic. Eeksy-peeksy, I owe you one.

Better to have loved and lost…

This thread at Mefi is worth following. Unfortunately, I am way too drunk at the moment to add anything worth saying to it, or process adequately what’s being said, but I’m also sober enough to want to bookmark it to read tomorrow when I’m more coherent. Please enjoy the words. Linky-dinky.

What is Fnord?

People (most of whom I dislike, on principle. No, really.) do tend to pooh-pooh Discordianism, and The Church of the Subgenius, and all that fincantabulous hooey. I say let ’em!
That reminds me of a song….

this is your life this is your life this is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. you are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. we are all a part of the same compost heap, we are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. you are not your bank account, you are not the clothes you wear. you are not the contents of your wallet. you are not your bowel cancer. you are not your grande latte. you are not the car you drive. you are not your f–king khakis. you have to give up, you have to give up. you have to realize that someday you will die, until you know that you are useless. I say let me never be complete. I say may I never be content. I say deliver me from swedish furniture! I say deliver me from clever art. I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth. I say you have to give up. I say evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

Of course, I didn’t actually say any of that funky sh-t, Chuck Palahniuk did. Or rather, Brad Pitt did, which proves to me at least that he may be a Hollywood pretty boy, go-ash darn it, but he’s no dumm-eh!
That’s an entirely different set of flatware, Sherlock! What I originally mean to say before this all went sideways on me (how the hell did that happen?) was that memepool had a Hail Eris comma Subgenius slash Bob Dobbs post recently (†), and fnord is still amusing to me, even though I am not sixteen any longer (despite the undeniable fact that I’ve still got an unreasonably large number of zits and a tendency to shout things like “Rock and Roll!” in an embarrassingly Wayne’s World sort of way when I hear powerchords or cowbells).
You got a problem with that?

Hi ho!

Hi ho! If you can watch all of these without clutching your skull and bellowing like a confused waterbuffalo, you’re a better man/woman/other than I. Go ahead, give it a try, I double-dog dare ya! [evil laugh]
Wintertime Hi Ho!
Food poisoning Hi Ho!
Forest fun Hi Ho !
Too inexplicable to summarize Hi Ho jolly fun!
Hi Ho meets Jaws!
Hi Ho romance!
Hi Ho fishing misadventures!
Hi Ho saves the princess!
It’s a Hi Ho Christmas!
[Japanese ad wackiness via Tom Tomorrow (who rocks) and the ‘pile (which also rocks, in a different, yet equally righteous way (uhh..dude))]

I'm a little surprised

I’m a little surprised that few seem to be interested in kicking Dvorak’s ass about his latest swipe at blogdom, or even paying much attention, really. I wonder if that’s a) because we secretly agree or b) because no one much gives a damn anymore about his odd anti-blog hobbyhorse.
I suspect the answer is b).
People have decided not to feed the troll.
I did find this amusing, though :

“Show that you’re an independent free spirit by adding a lot of profanity to your text. “

f–kin’ a, Johnny-boy! You got my number.

Coffee? Tea? Deconstruction? comments.

Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na Blogtank!

“Where else could a global reach consulting team, with offices in more than 10 countries, staffed by 20+ experts in a variety of fields and professions, with round the clock continuous operation come into being in under a day with next to zero infrastructure costs?” : I am proud in a preliminary sort of way to be a part of the soon-to-be-more-famous-than-Jesus

Blogtank Global Consulting Group


Something Meta This Way Comes ‡

not an officially sanctioned tagline. Void where prohibited. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Some settling may occur during shipment. Seek medical assistance if condition persists. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Dopey bastards

“There were people out the back in the parking lot smoking pot all the time,” said the editor, who also asked to remain anonymous. “The IBM PC was created by people who drank alcohol. The Mac was created by people who smoked pot.”

Guess that would explain the whole one-mouse-button thing, eh?