Emptybottle.org

“On Thursday, January 16, a panel of 50 prerigged voters received an e-mail. It listed the weblogs that the Weblog Conspiracists wanted you to link to. They had only 45 seconds, time measured on the Gregorian Calendar, to privately give us five favorite weblogs that they had never read, but that they had linked to (six for Weblog of the Year, twice removed) for each category. The five (or six of two possibilities, for Weblog of the Year) receiving the most votes, the ones that managed to link to Jason Kottke, became finalists. I (Nikolai Nolan, Head of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.), having long since lost track of the intricate rules, attempted to conduct this elaborate ceremony on my spare time. That was when I began receiving the hate mails. It wasn’t by accident that I had set up the Floggies Headquarters in a giant volcano and began stroking my cat on a regular basis.”

A C / D C : THE BOARD MEETING
BY JOHN KENYON
– – – –
Angus: Well then, I see that everyone is here. Shall we get started?
Brian: Might we call the roll, at least for the sake of the minutes?
Angus: Good point. Malcolm?
Malcolm: Oh, right, right. I’m secretary this fiscal year, aren’t I? All right, then. Angus Young?
Angus: Present.
Malcolm: Brian Johnson?
Brian: Present.
Malcolm: Phil Rudd?
Phil: Here.
Malcolm: Cliff Williams?
Cliff: Present.
Angus: Thank you, Malcolm. Now, as I’m sure you know from reading the memo e-mailed last Tuesday, we’re meeting to begin conceiving our next album. Sales of our latest, Stiff Upper Lip, have tailed off, and tour revenue will only sustain the corporation through the end of fiscal 2002. Our back catalog, interview discs, live collections, and the box set helped the bottom line, but these are signs of a brand treading water. We need new product to assure continued growth through fiscal 2003.
Malcolm: All right, then. Should we review and approve minutes from the last meeting or jump ahead to item no. 4, “Brainstorming new song titles.”
Angus: Let’s not mess with Robert’s Rules this once. Has everyone had a chance to review the minutes?
All: Yes.
Angus: Then if there’s no further discussion, can I get a motion to approve and file said minutes?
Phil: So moved.
Brian: Second.
Malcolm: We can do this on voice vote. All in favor?
All: Aye.
Angus: Should we move on?
Brian: Can we break for a few minutes? I need to check with the nanny to see that the kids got to school.
Angus: Okay by me. Any objections?
All: No.
[10 minute recess]
Angus: Now remember, the only bad idea is one that isn’t shared. Remember Ballbreaker? I wouldn’t have believed we had never used that album title, but there it was 1995 and it was fresh as ever. Or “You Can’t Stop Rock ‘n’ Roll”? That’s a classic title, undiscovered until our last album.
Brian: That was a nice one, Phil.
Phil: Thanks.
Angus: All right. Don’t be shy; just throw them out there.
Brian: Well, I’ve been toying with something called “Flirt in a Skirt.”
Phil: I like it! That’s a keeper.
Cliff: How about “Snowball?”
Brian: That’s a good one, but we already went in that direction with “Snowballed” from For Those About to Rock.
Cliff: I should have known it was too good to be true.
Brian: That’s a good reminder to do our homework before we meet.
Angus: What do you guys think of “Pole Position”?
Brian: That I can work with.
Angus: Malcolm, what are you giggling about? Do you want to share it with the group?
Malcolm: Yeah. “Put Your Glove on My Love.”
Phil: Boys, we might as well pack up and go home. We’re not going to do better than that.
Cliff: That is a moneymaker.
Angus: Malcolm, this may be inappropriate, but I’m going to hug you.
[Rustling sound on tape]
Angus (to Malcolm): I seem to have wrinkled your coat. I’ll pay for the dry cleaning. (To the group) OK, that one is going to get the juices flowing. Does anybody…
Phil: Angus, pardon the interruption, but what about that?
Angus: Sorry, but you’ve lost me. What do you mean?
Brian: He’s right. “Got My Juices Flowing.” Is that what you were getting at, Phil?
Phil: Exactly.
Angus: This is why I’ve come really to value these meetings? I was going to suggest, before being so productively interrupted, “Wired for Rock.”
Cliff: Kudos, gentlemen.
Angus: OK, we’re halfway there.
Brian: I notice we haven’t dealt much with liquor yet. I love the sex-based titles, but need I remind you all that AC/DC thrives on variety. I keep coming back to the word “jigger.” Your thoughts?
Malcolm: What about “Two Jiggers of Love”?
Cliff: That just adds to the sex thing.
Angus: Right, right, but we could address that in the lyrics, juxtaposing images of alcohol with those of sex, a compare/contrast construct.
Brian: I think I can make that work.
Angus: Okay, moving along. Brian, you’re shared only one idea.
Brian: Well, I wanted to give the other guys a chance, to cultivate diversity of opinion.
Angus: Certainly, but we’re on a schedule.
Brian: All right. “Depth Charge,” “Rocket Launcher,” “Smell of Love,” and “Eat My Fist.”
Cliff: I’d say we have an album, gentlemen. I move that we accept this slate of titles for our next album.
Brian: I second the motion.
Malcolm: All in favor?
All: Aye.
Angus: Excellent work. A final reminder: we’ve scheduled a meeting tomorrow at 3 p.m., to commence the songwriting process. If you’d like, we can also hold an informal session this evening at my house.
Brian: Sounds great. I move we adjourn.
Cliff: Second.
Malcolm: All in favor?
All: Aye.

“Applicant admitted the factual allegations of the SOR; accordingly, I incorporate Applicant’s admissions as findings of fact.
Applicant–a 25-year old employee of a defense contractor–seeks access to classified information.
The allegations of the SOR revolve around Applicant’s zoophilia–his sexual attraction to animals and his sexual activity with dogs from approximately 1987 to June 1996. On 13 August 1998, Applicant described his zoophilia to a special agent of the Defense Security Service (DSS)(Item 5):
I would like to take this opportunity to explain that I am a zoophile, sexually attracted to animals. I fantasize about sexual activities with anthropomorphic (cartoon character types) animals, friendly big cat like a lion, any medium to large size dog, horses, cows, etc., but to actually engage the animal must be a dog. The reason I state it must be a dog because a dog is the only animal who has the closest personality to a human being.”